Slanted Science

Are you a man? Do you watch porn? Then you are useless to science.

Canadian boffins, carrying out a study into the mental effects of watching pornography, wanted some men who had never seen a skinflick to act as their control group. They could not find a single such guy. Men are perverts.

LOL.

The work was conducted at The University Of Montreal, under the leadership of Professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse. Who is undoubtedly a very, very dirty guy. He states that his work aims to

…observe the impact of pornography on the sexuality of men, and how it shapes their perception of men and women.

After an appeal to university students (can you see his first mistake?), he found 20 chaps willing to reveal all to him about their sexual habits. But none who could honestly deny using some porn now and again. So the honorable prof, making do with what he had, looked at how these guys were using porn. He found that, on average, they began to use porn at just 10 years of age. We’re pretty sure there wasn’t much actual “using” done at that age, just a whole lot of looking and wondering and baseless boasting.

Furthermore, the prof found that an amazing 90% of porn watching was done via the internet. Amazing because, really, we would have expected around 99%. Who the hell still buys dirty DVDs?

The study reports that single men are more pornocentric than their married buddies, watching filthy movies for an average of 40 minutes (three times) per week, compared to 20 minutes (1.7 times). We’ve done the calculations, and this means that single guys can withstand a porn onslaught for 13.3 minutes, versus the married fellas’ 11.8. We’d like to propose a research grant be written to investigate this discrepancy.

The study found that watching porn did not adversely affect the men’s sexual thoughts:

Pornography hasn’t changed their perception of women or their relationship, which they all want to be as “harmonious and fulfilling” as possible.

Bless them! Even though they know this is an anonymous study, they’re still coming out with the chick-pleasing line that they’re really after a deep and meaningful relationship.