Slanted Science

Some scientists spend their days hunched over a lab bench, trying to find a cure for cancer. We honor them.

Some scientists work endless hours in front of computers, trying to decipher the mysteries of the universe. We respect them.

And some scientists use high-speed cameras to film duck penises shooting out of their owner’s body, corkscrewing down plastic tubes and then uselessly dribbling ejaculate into the air. We love them, and want them to keep doing this forevermore.

We have never given much thought to the question, “What is your favorite penis?“. If forced to answer, we’d probably have said “Why, the stuffed elephant phallus at the Icelandic Phallological Museum, of course” (being shown off by a proud Sigurdur Hjartarson, below).

Well sorry, Sigurdur, but your wonderful pachyderm penis is top dog no longer.

Not since we saw the latest research coming out of Yale, from a group of scientists led by Patricia Brennan. They have just published a paper in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society: B which looks – in closeup, slow-mo detail – at what happens to a duck’s penis as it engages in coitus. The results are surprising, amazing and a little bit disturbing. Here we go…

It turns out that ducks have gone through a rather aggressive form of reproductive evolution. It has been theorized that because they engage in forced copulation – with the males grabbing hold of a female who takes their fancy, and forcing themselves inside – both sexes have co-evolved bizarre sexual apparatus. The females began the game, by developing rather convoluted vaginas in order to thwart penetration by males whose genetics aren’t up to scratch. The males, in response, have evolved penises which normally remain hidden within the body but, when needed, shoot out up to 20cm. They also have a corkscrew-like twist to them, in order to easily navigate the vaginal maze. As the authors note:

This coevolution results from conflict between the sexes over who is going to control fertilization.

That’s been the theory, at least, and these boffins set out to prove it.

Obviously, seeing the uncoiling of these avian phalluses within a female’s body wouldn’t be possible. So the boffins used male ducks (’drakes‘) which had been trained on a farm to ejaculate on demand, as a way of providing semen for artificial insemination within the farming industry. They looked at how well these ducks’ rapidly expanding penises coped with glass tubes formed into various shapes, representative of the females’ vaginal convolutions: a straight tube; a corkscrewed tube with the twist in the same direction as their penis; and a tube with the twist in the opposite direction.

So, here are the money shots. Firstly, the explosive ‘eversion‘, or erection, of a male duck’s penis into the open air. Just ask yourself how long it will be before a latex version of this finds its way onto the shelves of adult stores:

And next, video showing how the drake’s explosive extension deals with variously-shaped receptacles. The first one is a straight plastic tube; the second is a corkscrew shape, with the twist in the same direction as the male’s member; in the third, the twist opposes the male’s; after that, we’re not sure. Perhaps the boffins were just having fun.

The scientists conclude that their data proves that there has been competitive male/female evolution in the evolution of duck genitalia. The males, who as we said just grab a female and go for it, have been forced into developing ever-more elaborately twisted penises in order to navigate the females’ vaginas, which have become increasingly convoluted in an attempt to sort the men from the boys.

Whatever, boffins. Just keep on giving us more of these videos.

Don’t Hold Your Breath, But This May Lead To: We give up on this one. Leave your suggestions below.