Slanted Science

Scientific breakthroughs have traditionally been announced to the world at serious, prestigious conferences to an audience of bookish old men dressed in tweed.

So kudos to Douglas Hines, who last week made his big proclamation at the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, presumably to an audience of sweaty perverts wearing heavily-stained underpants.

And his revolutionary scientific advance? Why, only a life-sized robotic girlfriend with artificial intelligence and the ability to speak.

What? It was hardly going to be a cure for cancer, now was it?

We advise you to stop reading this, go grab a bucket, then come back. Because at some point in this story you will throw up. We got as far as a photograph of Douglas with his creation, but you may do better.

Anyway, here’s the deal. Douglas used to be an artificial intelligence engineer at Bell Laboratories, until he decided to just follow his dreams and create a startled-looking robot to have sex with. He formed his own company – True Companion – and set about bringing life to latex and motors.

His experiments completed, he took to the stage in Vegas on Saturday to show the world (well, a bunch of men who still live with their mothers, and masturbate furiously while she’s out doing the shopping) his amazing creation: Roxxxy.

Roxxxy is a rubber lady. But not one of those boring, old-fashioned rubber ladies with the gaping mouth and gaping sexmaw and footpump to inflate them. No, this is the future of objectified women.Roxxxy can talk, will respond to your gentle caresses with moans of pleasure, and presumably doesn’t object when you leave uneaten takeaway pizza lying around the bedroom. Just read creepy Douglas’s creepy words on his creepy invention:

She can’t vacuum, she can’t cook, but she can do almost anything else if you know what I mean.

No, Douglas, what do you mean? She can’t nip to the store for a pack of cigarettes at 10 o’clock at night? She can’t fold our laundry? She can’t admonish us for leaving the toilet seat up? What the hell else is there that females do in this world?

If you’re thinking this all sounds like the work of an incurable romantic, well…you’re weird.Check out how Douglas sees his creation:

She’s a companion. She has a personality. She hears you. She listens to you. She speaks. She feels your touch. She goes to sleep. We are trying to replicate a personality of a person.

No, Douglas. A person is a person. A real, live lady can hear, listen, speak and sleep. You seem to have confused reality with the dirty, semen-stained images in your head.

Credit to him, though, because Douglas has at least realized that different men are attracted to different personalities. He has created various ‘ladies’ with a range of attitudes and vocabularies. We can’t bring ourselves to do this, so let’s have the Sydney Morning Herald tell us more:

Roxxxy comes with five personalities. Wild Wendy is outgoing and adventurous. Frigid Farrah is reserved and shy. There is a young and naive personality and a Mature Martha that Hines describes as having a ”matriarchal kind of caring”. S&M Susan is geared for more adventurous types.

Excuse us for a moment: we’re coughing up a bit of stomach acid here.

Okay, so there you have it: a desperate, lonely man has invented a talking female robot who will make sounds of pleasure as you stroke her rubberized inner thigh. And who will then gasp in awe as you thrust your gargantuan member into her…oh God, this is just wrong. How can Douglas turn this one around (no pun intended)? How can he make us feel like what he is doing is anything more than the actions of a terrible, perverted loner? To The SMH again:

Inspiration for the sex robot sprang from the September 11, 2001 attacks. ”I had a friend who passed away in 9/11,” Hines said. ”I promised myself I would create a program to store his personality, and that became the foundation for Roxxxy True Companion.”

Aha! Now it all becomes clear. This 21st Century sex doll is not merely a repository for the seminal fluid of men who secretly wish they could marry their own mothers, but actually a charming monument to a friend who perished in the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

That’ll show Osama Bin Laden.

If you’re feeling strong of stomach, you can see the YouTube clip of Douglas unveiling his masterwork below. You filthy perverts.