Slanted Science

We’re not sure why, but everybody is reporting today on the Dutch scientists who have created meat within a lab culture system. First as always, we reported this in November last year. So here’s a re-post for ya:

Great news for vegetarians who miss the taste of meat: in a few years, you may be able to chow down on a slice of bacon or two with a clean conscience. Scientists report today the first ever production of a piece of meat grown entirely in vitro.

Where next with this? May we suggest co-culturing a piece of pork with a pair of pigeon wings? Hey presto: flying pigs.

Professor Mark Post, of Eindhoven University in Holland, is the man that pigs should be down on their tubby little knees giving thanks to. He leads the group which has just announced their success in producing lab-cultured pig meat (pork seems a little too strong a word at this point). Here’s how they did it:

Just like any other organ in the body, muscles contain a relatively rare population of specialized cells, which are able to respond to tissue damage by reproducing themselves. They commonly go by the name stem cells; in the case of muscle they’re specifically known as myoblasts. The Dutch group removed some myoblasts from a real pig, then grew them in the lab (the cells thrived on a mixture of essential nutrients derived from pig’s blood).

Cell growth was so successful in the lab that the boffins eventually found themselves with a largish slab of what could be called meat. However, they tell us that the product is nowhere near table-ready, being a bit on the squidgy side. The problem? Lack of exercise as the muscle developed. As Prof Post says:

What we have at the moment is rather like wasted muscle tissue. We need to find ways of improving it by training it and stretching it, but we will get there. If it feels and tastes like meat, people will buy it.

Don’t forget, these scientists are Dutch: people will buy a lot of weird shit when they’re high and hungry.

But leaving aside the stoner market, there could be uses for this type of meat even before it can be developed into an appetizing steak-like form. The research is funded by sausage manufacturers, who evidently believe that they may be able to cheaply fill their skins with lab-grown protein. Don’t get too squeamish: could it really be any worse than the anus-filled sacks which make up most supermarket Brats?

We wish the Professor and his gang the best of luck, as we have a genuine interest in seeing improvements in the lives and deaths of farmed animals.

Don’t Hold Your Breath, But This May Lead To: the disbanding of PETA, and an end to those annoying vegetarians who ruin meals for others by staring longingly at their steaks, whining: “Oh, I miss meat so much. But I just can’t bring myself to eat it. Did you know there are thirty thousand species of bacteria in that forkful you have there?”

Lastly, just for you, here’s a selection of meaty clothing from Amazon. Go ahead, spin the wheel…